Relational Imprinting: Why the People You Surround Yourself with Determine Your Future
Admit it, you’ve seen people who grow to look like their dog over time like the couple shown here—perhaps without the creepy t-shirt to match. Maybe you ARE those people. You’ve also seen examples of couples with a startling resemblance to each other, whether due to simple genetics, shared diet and other experiences or empathetic mirroring.
(Check this link out for some celebrity examples of this phenomenon, with the trigger warning that you may never look at Denzel, Giselle or their spouses the same way again: Why Do Couples Look Alike? | New Health Advisor).
While entertaining (and more than a little disturbing), what does this phenomenon have to do with your personal or professional growth? Read on for the answer.
Imprinting
My late wife Danielle received her education degree from Vanderbilt’s Peabody College, which is one of the top schools in the United States for teaching teachers. The best training she ever received on how to be a successful teacher, however, didn’t take place in the classroom, but instead came from a more experienced teacher she was assigned to assist while student teaching. This teacher told her at the beginning of the semester, “If you want to be happy and successful as a teacher or just as a person, surround yourself with people you want to be like. Because whoever you surround yourself with, that’s who you’re going to become.”
If you’re looking for an example of how a mentor can change your life, it’s hard to beat that one. She never forgot that advice, nor have I.
While you could chalk it up to peer pressure and the innate human desire to conform, I think there is a deeper explanation for why people take on the characteristics of those around them. It comes from a scientific concept known as “imprinting” discovered by European scientists in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.
An English biologist named Douglas Spalding first observed in 1872 that newborn chicks tended to bond with the first moving object they observed, which was typically their mother, and they then would follow her around as a result. Spalding theorized that this contact during a critical period of the chicks’ development stamped or “imprinted” the behavior of the mother on the chicks so they were likely to engage in similar behaviors going forward.
An Austrian ornithologist named Konrad Lorenz later determined this same connection would take place if he took the mother’s place, and the chicks would later follow him around and mimic his behavior (which suggests in response to the age-old question that the real reason they crossed the road was because Dr. Lorenz did so first!) (Imprinting and Relationships - Psychologist World).
Later scientists expanded the concept of imprinting to refer to any type of phase-sensitive learning that takes place during critical periods of an animal’s life, often through observation of others, which then establishes behavior patterns for the future. In other words, just as Danielle’s mentor advised her, who you surround yourself with during critical periods has a tremendous influence on how you will behave, what you will prefer and who you will become in the future.
Or, returning to the dog theme, Ben Franklin said it more plainly when he wrote in Poor Richard’s Almanack, “If you lie down with dogs, you arise with fleas.”
A Little Help from My Friends
To see the downside of what I call “relational imprinting,” one need only skim the headlines or history books to find countless examples of how individuals, groups and even nations made disastrous decisions based on who they chose to associate with during critical periods and whose behavior they chose to mimic.
For happier outcomes, consider the following examples from the creative world:
Many decades before their literary works came to the silver screen in the form of the Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia movie series, J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S Lewis were colleagues in the English Department at Oxford University with a common interest in myths and storytelling. Legend has it they gathered at a pub each week to discuss their writing over beer and pipe-smoke and served as each other’s first readers, with Tolkien later writing, “The unpayable debt that I owe to him was not influence but sheer encouragement. He was for long my only audience.” (https://www.literarytraveler.com/articles/tolkien_lewis_england).
You may have heard of four lads from Liverpool named John, Paul, George and Ringo who began performing together as teenagers and went on to revolutionize the world of music in the 1960s. While we remember the harmonies from their No. 1 hits and their iconic albums as members of The Beatles, we sometimes forget just how successful all four of them became as individual artists after the band broke up. (Yes, even Ringo.) It turns out that the habits they developed during their formative years as a band were imprinted on them so deeply, they ensured their continuing success throughout the long and winding road of their post-break-up years.
For a more contemporary example, think of the creators of my favorite all-time movie: Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. These childhood friends grew up two blocks from each other in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and were drama geeks together in high school before co-starring in Good Will Hunting and winning the Oscar for best screenplay. Following this auspicious beginning, they each went on to make numerous critical hits and box-office smashes as solo performers and were instrumental in helping Ben’s little brother Casey become a leading man and Oscar-winning actor in his own right. Rather than becoming rivals, their friendship and collaboration at the beginning of their careers combined to make them even bigger stars in the 20-plus years that followed.
Choosing Well
While their names might not be as familiar to you, I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by people during critical periods of my life who imprinted invaluable lessons on me about not only how to deal with the challenges of the moment but also how to live a meaningful life. They modelled for me how to overcome the fear of failure and take chances, how to look for the eternal principles in seemingly random events and how to see the best in others and help them see it for themselves. Because of their influence on my life, I’d like to think I’ve grown to look like these people (and you know who you are) in more ways than one.
What does the power of relational imprinting mean for us as leaders and individuals? For starters:
Recognize that the people you choose to associate with have a tangible and lasting influence on the habits, choices and perspectives you develop. If you spend time with people who have a critical spirit and fixed mindset, it’s only a matter of time before that rubs off on you. By the same token, if you cultivate relationships with people who choose positive outlooks and growth mindsets, you almost certainly will too. Just like Dr. Lorenz’s chicks, you’ll mimic the behavior of the dominant people in your life.
As leaders, recognize that those you lead will become like you, so make sure you’re modeling the behaviors you want to see exhibited by your team. I once heard a religious author named Francis Chan say, “Before you start making disciples of yourself, make sure you’re worth replicating,” which is so good and so convicting. If you are looking to build a culture that puts the team first, then you’d better be an excellent team player yourself. If you prioritize maximizing your individual income, don’t be surprised if other individuals on the team adopt a “me first” attitude as well. To quote Julius from a classic movie about teamwork and leadership, Remember the Titans, “Attitude reflect leadership, Cap’n.”
If you don’t like the way you are beginning to look, then find better mirrors. Maya Angelou once said, “If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude”—to which I would add one further step: to change your attitude, change the people in your life whose attitudes you have begun to mirror. Find people who model the behaviors you’d like to characterize your life, spend time with them and ask them what they know that you don’t. Once you’ve learned their secrets, look for other people to pass them on to. Beautiful mirrors only increase in beauty when reflecting beautiful objects around them, so don’t be surprised if you both benefit from the exchange.
Now, taking my own advice for a change, maybe it’s time for me to find a better-looking dog to grow old with.
Mike Tooley is a Co-Founder with Upstream Principles LLC, a coaching and consulting firm dedicated to helping individuals, leaders, and teams go upstream to discover solutions for their leadership and employee development challenges. As a certified Leadership and Strengths Coach, Mike is committed to serve as a guide to help others discover, and live out, who they are designed to be.