Power of Tears
The ultimate tribute we often pay to recognize someone’s valuable contribution is to salute them for giving their “blood, sweat and tears.” “Blood,” meaning their willingness to put themselves in harm’s way for others, figuratively and sometimes literally. “Sweat,” meaning extraordinary physical efforts given for their team, mission, or cause.
Have you noticed, though, that when it comes to the third type of sacrifice—tears—we don’t treat them with the same level of respect? Instead, the default mode in our culture today seems to regard tears as almost shameful--a sign of weakness, frailty, or inability to cope with stressful situations.
For leaders in particular, we accept a wide range of emotions for residents of the C-suite, including pride, aggressiveness, righteous anger, and other “alpha” characteristics. But let those same leaders display tears, and we jump to the conclusion they can’t handle the responsibilities of leadership and would collapse into an emotional heap under sustained pressure.
I had a recent experience that caused me to reevaluate my own view of tears and to wonder whether it might be time to reclaim—or, perhaps, claim for the first time—their power for leaders and followers alike.
Who’s Crying Now?
Before telling you about my recent experience, allow me first to introduce you to a former colleague and dear friend I will refer to simply as “The Weeper.” The Weeper is known for breaking down unashamedly at all sorts of occasions that touch their heart in some way: sad occasions, celebratory events, and even TV shows or movies that move their soul. (Don’t get them started on This Is Us, which consistently left them dehydrated the day after a new episode aired!)
Because my former colleague is so aware of their tendency to break down—and I’m talking whole-body tears and not just misty eyes—they will frequently caution people before emotional occasions, “I should warn you, I’m a crier” the way a new puppy owner might advise a guest that his pet isn’t potty-trained yet and might have an accident if it gets too excited. You get the idea.
Now do an experiment with me. Imagine what The Weeper looks and sounds like, with specificity. Imagine their frame, their voice, their presence. Imagine the sort of impression they leave with others. What do you see? More to the point, do you see someone who embodies weakness or strength?
As it turns out, the person I’m describing is a 6’4” former middle linebacker who is one of the most physically imposing and intellectually intimidating people I’ve ever encountered. He is fearless, remarkably self-assured, and willing to take on any professional or personal challenge—the harder the better. He is an extraordinary leader, both by example and exhortation, and can inspire people to run through walls—but only after he has run through them first to make a safe passage. He is strength personified in every way imaginable, and yet . . . the man is admittedly a world-class weeper. What gives?
I share this example both to challenge gender stereotypes and to underscore that a propensity to display emotion by way of tears can co-exist comfortably with undeniable strength.
Research conducted on the frequency of crying confirms that adult women cry somewhere between 60% and four times more on average than men—whether due to biology, social conditioning, a greater willingness to “bring their whole selves” to the workplace, or some other reason—but “experts don’t exactly know why.” However, that same research goes on to confirm that tears are triggered by a variety of universal emotions, stresses, and situations not limited by gender, including:
• Feelings of empathy or compassion for the suffering of others
• Physical pain
• Moral and sentimental emotions
• Grief and other types of deep sadness
• Love
• Passion
• Frustration
• Anger
• Shock
• Reactions to extreme beauty or religious fervor
• Feelings of misery or elation (I’ve experienced both) after your team wins or loses “the big game”
In the workplace, my experience as a coach, leader, and colleague has been that tears most frequently come as an involuntary response to stress of one sort or another: an unexpectedly negative performance evaluation, being terminated or demoted, experiencing what might feel like an unfair attack by a supervisor, colleague or customer, or learning of bad news affecting someone you care about deeply.
Songwriters and poets might compare tears to raindrops, but a different weather analogy feels more fitting to me. To me, tears are an outward manifestation of strong emotions felt in response to stress the same way thunder is an atmospheric phenomenon caused by an increase in temperature and pressure created by lightning. When’s the last time anyone ever considered thunder weak or frail?
Passion Not Weakness
Not long ago, I witnessed an interaction between a leader and a group of stakeholders giving her tough but fair feedback. As the discussion became more heated, one of the stakeholders apologized for causing the leader to become emotional when he observed her beginning to tear up.
In response, this leader wiped her eyes and responded firmly with words to this effect: “Don’t mistake my tears for emotionality or weakness. My tears are a sign of my passion and are because I love and believe in this organization so much.” (What she didn’t say but might have added was, “and if I ever STOP crying over this place, then you will know it’s time for me to go.”)
Although a standing ovation might have been inappropriate under the circumstances, I have to admit I did a little Tiger-Woods-style fist pump under the table in response to her bold statement. This was one of the rare occasions I had experienced a leader of any gender owning their public tears rather than apologizing for them, and the impact on me was profound. It caused me to wonder why don’t more leaders express and own their passion for their organizations as boldly as she did?
Why Tears Matter
In contrast to the embarrassment often triggered by crying in front of others, science has determined that public tears actually can have positive effects on the one who sheds them and on observers, with one import caveat:
• Individuals who are open with their tears are seen as more warm, friendly, sincere and honest.
• Crying promotes social bonding, connection, and attachment, which in turn encourage closeness, empathy, and support from friends and family.
• Emotional tears can lead to greater vulnerability, which has been linked with stronger relationships among friends and colleagues.
• Crying can act as an emotional safety valve that reduces the negative side effects of “bottling it up,” such as a less resilient immune system, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, stress, anxiety, and depression.
Sounds like just what the doctor ordered, right? Not so fast: one international study determined that whether someone who sheds tears reaps these benefits is heavily influenced by the reactions of the observers. Specifically, individuals made to feel shame or embarrassment in response to their tears are less likely to experience the cathartic benefit of tears than those who feel supported.
How to Make the Most of Tears
I recognize that too much of a good thing is still too much and that the ability to control one’s emotions is an indispensable part of leadership. Still, I believe it’s time to remove the stigma associated with tears in the workplace and treat them like other normal human reactions.
Here are a few suggestions on how to remove the stigma and respond to tears more effectively:
If you observe someone in your workplace in tears, don’t assume that person is weak, overly emotional, or unprofessional. Treat their tears the same way you would your own (mild) profanity if the copier jammed on you for the 4th time this week: as a normal human response to a stressful situation.
Recognizing that the way you respond to someone else’s tears can make the situation either better or worse, ask the other person if there is anything you can do, if there’s anything they’d like to share, or if they need a moment. Above all else, DO NOT act like they’ve detonated a hand grenade and sprint from the room as quickly as possible the moment their eyes redden.
Amplifying on this last point, I have learned from strong professional women in my life that tearing up in the workplace—even if a completely normal and involuntary human reaction—can be their worst professional nightmare based on their concerns it will feed into outdated gender stereotypes about toughness. In response, the best advice I’ve received on how to respond to tears in the workplace is to normalize them. By all means ask the questions noted in the previous bullet point if it feels appropriate under the circumstances to do so. However, if the other person signals they’d like to continue the conversation, then carry on the same way you would if someone sneezed—which, if you think about it, is just another involuntary human reaction that says nothing about someone’s toughness, competence, or grit.
If you are the one in tears, cut yourself some slack. Crying doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. Apologize if you feel you must for the outward display, but never beat yourself up or apologize for the passion that triggered it.
If you’re uncomfortable with crying in front of others and want to avoid it under all circumstances, here’s a trick I learned from having delivered too many eulogies and other bad news which you can borrow. Before delivering your remarks, tell your audience right away that this is going to be a difficult message to communicate and you might not make it through without becoming emotional at some point. Not only does this matter-of-fact statement ease the discomfort of everyone if tears do come, but in an odd Jedi-mind-trick sort of way, it acts as a safety valve that mysteriously makes you less likely to tear up in the first place. Try it for yourself!
Returning to my friend “The Weeper” and the unnamed leader I mentioned above, I can tell you their fearlessness in expressing their emotions bolstered their strength as leaders rather than undercutting it. It also sent a powerful message to everyone around them that it was OK for them to be their authentic selves as well. Isn’t that the type of environment you’d like on YOUR team?
For people who share my Christian faith, the ultimate example of the power of tears is described in the Gospel of John, when Jesus arrives at the home of Lazarus and his sisters to find that his dear friend had succumbed to some unnamed disease. When Jesus is taken to his friend’s lifeless body, John 11:35-36 describes his reaction with the most powerful two words in the entire Bible: “Jesus wept.” Only then, after Jesus allowed himself to display his grief in such a human way, did he perform the super-human miracle of bringing Lazarus back to life. His tears prepared the way for the beautiful act of healing that followed. This example teaches us that truly powerful leaders are those strong enough to share their tears and then double down on the important work they’ve been called to do.
If you’d like to discuss how to harness the power of emotions in your development as a leader, feel free reach out to me at mike.tooley@upstreamprinciples.com.
Mike Tooley is the Founder of Upstream Principles LLC, a coaching and consulting firm dedicated to helping individuals, leaders, and teams go upstream to discover solutions for their leadership and employee development challenges. As a certified Leadership, Strengths and Retirement Coach, Mike is committed to help others discover and live out who they are designed to be—emotions included!