The Big Shift: Moving from "HAVE to" to "GET to"
The late, great Glenn Frey of The Eagles got it right when he came up with the lyrics, “life in the fast lane . . . surely make you lose your mind.” Fortunately, even the fastest of highways have slow lanes and, if you time it right, off-ramps that will allow you to downshift and explore new destinations at a slower pace. For those of us with many miles on our odometer, retirement can be one of those off-ramps.
At rush hour in the fast lane, however, most of us are working too much, sleeping too little, and spending so much time taking care of our responsibilities at home and the office that we don’t have the opportunity to ponder what retirement might look like for us. If we did, the stereotypical images that came to mind might include sleeping in, taking walks on the beach, catching up on the stacks of books or streaming series we haven’t had time to get to, or perhaps FINALLY learning how to play pickleball. (Sort of like the movie Cocoon, except without the aliens.)
The reality of retirement, on the other hand, can be much grimmer. The Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory, which ranks the traumatic effect of various life events on our psyches (and is most certainly NOT the sort of thing you want to read on the beach), ranks “retirement from work” as the 10th most stressful life event, behind death of a spouse, divorce, going to jail, and getting fired—just beating out “sexual difficulties,” foreclosure, and “in-law troubles.”
Supporting this ranking, other studies show that the incidence of drug and alcohol problems for retirees has jumped by 150% this century, while loneliness has become an epidemic increasing the odds of an early death by over twice as much as obesity (45% for loneliness as compared to 20% for obesity). These frightening statistics are on top of the worries associated with the financial side of retirement: Have I saved enough? Will those incompetent politicians in the other party take away my hard-earned Social Security benefits? Do we have to change our lifestyle radically to stay within our limited means?
Clearly, then, retirement is NOT all it’s cracked up to be, right?
As a Certified Professional Retirement Coach (and new retiree from the practice of law!), I look at retirement differently. Rather than the polar extremes of being an endless vacation or the cause of unbearable stress/loneliness/financial angst, I see retirement as a monumental opportunity to transition from one long season of obligation to a new season of opportunity: what I call “The Big Shift from ‘HAVE to’ to ‘GET to.” Here’s what I mean.
Back Story
If you’re a coaching client or reader of my (Up)Stream of Consciousness blog, you know that I practiced as an employment lawyer at a fantastic law firm based out of Indianapolis for more than 30 years. In 2017, after experiencing the highest-ranked life event on the Holmes-Rahe scale, I decided to build on my practice of law by becoming a certified professional coach, focused on helping leaders and individual contributors achieve their goals and build stronger, more cohesive teams.
I then co-founded my coaching and consulting firm, Upstream Principles LLC, and spent the next seven years toggling back and forth between practicing as an employment lawyer, managing a team of remarkable professionals in my practice group at my law firm, and coaching over 150 individuals and dozens of teams in various industries and organizations. I also met and married my wonderful wife Kristy, loved my children, son-in-law, and new grandson with all my heart, took some memorable vacations, and truly enjoyed my busy, messy, and blessed life. And yet . . .
This is the part of the story when you would expect me to say next “. . . something was missing,” but that definitely was NOT the case. If anything, my life was too full to the point I didn’t have time to fully enjoy any of the roles I played. As a result, I decided to follow one of my favorite coaching tips by creating a “stop doing” list to triage between the things I’d been doing versus the things I wanted to do going forward.
At the top of my list, to my surprise, was “stop practicing law.” Although my practice had been incredibly rewarding in oh so many ways, I realized that it was now getting in the way of the other things I wanted to do with my life. So I decided in early 2023 to retire as a practicing lawyer in February 2024 and focus my professional time instead on my coaching practice. Suffice it to say, I have never looked back.
Discovery/Due Diligence
Once I made the decision to retire, the former employment litigator in me knew I needed to conduct some discovery (or due diligence for you transactional lawyers) before actually taking the plunge. Over the following months, I conducted three forms of discovery:
Wisdom Literature: I read moving and informative books on how to approach post-retirement years with intentionality and a sense of purpose, including From Strength to Strength by Arthur C. Brooks, Keys To A Successful Retirement by Fritz Gilbert, The Best Is Yet To Be by Mike Bellah, and Half Time by Bob Buford. I highly recommend them all, along with a classic I read years earlier by Richard Rohr called Falling Upward, which helped me understand that how we live the second half of our life can be a choice rather than a prison sentence.
Wise Elders: I cross-examined had conversations with (sorry, old lawyer habits die hard) with a number of wise elders I respected who had already gone through the process of either retiring altogether or shifting their work lives in some tangible way to line up with their current passions. Through these conversations, I gained valuable perspective on lessons learned, mistakes made, and opportunities missed in their own transitions.
Back to School: Having been one of those unusual kids who loved being in the classroom, I also decided to go back to school and get some formal training on how to approach my post-retirement life, including attending the Modern Elder Academy, which offers programs on “Navigating Transitions,” “Cultivating Purpose,” and “Owning Wisdom,” all aimed at helping participants obtain “a more fulfilling midlife.” On top of that, I completed an intensive course recognized by the International Coaching Federation (ICF) to become a Certified Retirement Coach, focused on helping folks contemplating their next stage of life think through the non-financial aspects of retirement.
Lessons Learned
For those of you who might be considering downshifting to retirement or some other career change in next few years, here are a few lessons I learned through my discovery process, which I’ve begun to apply in my own post-law career and with my retirement coaching clients.
1. Retirement is more about a change of pace or direction than a full stop. I’ve come to believe that a happy and fulfilling retirement does NOT involve a cessation of activity—at least, not for long. Instead, retirement should allow us to focus our energy on those activities we want to do as opposed to the ones we once had to do to put ourselves in the position to retire. As one of my executive coaching clients put it, “the pleasure of activity can be so much more uplifting without the pressure of performance expectations weighing it down.”
2. Empty calendar syndrome. One immediate challenge new retirees face is that once the retirement dinners and goodbye lunches are over, you effectively “cut the cord” from the network of people with whom you’ve spent most of your time over the preceding period: your co-workers. Studies show that the number of meaningful daily human interactions are cut roughly in half following retirement, which can be just as unsettling to anyone used to having a full calendar as the experience of having your children leave for college can be for new empty nesters. Your former colleagues will quickly be consumed by their own daily grind, so it will be up to you to build new social connections for yourself.
3. Re-discovering your purpose. Another huge challenge faced by new retirees is that the way they’ve answered the Jean Valjean question, “Who am I?” for most of their adult lives is no longer operative, which can lead to a lack of felt purpose. As one of my retirement coaching clients put it, “What will people think of me now that I’m no longer a [fill-in-the-blank prestigious professional title]?” What I’ve learned is that while a momentary loss of purpose can be disorienting, it can also be incredibly liberating as you find and live out a new purpose for your life. The question shifts from “what is my job title?” to “who do I want to be for this next season of life?”
4. It’s not “All About the Benjamins.” Although prudent financial planning is obviously a prerequisite for being able to retire in the first place, one of the other important lessons I learned through my pre-retirement discovery is that financial issues rarely make the difference between a happy, healthy retirement and an unfulfilling one. (More than one source reported, in fact, that “not spending enough” was as big a challenge as “spending too much” in retirement, which seems like a good problem to have!) Instead, what I learned is that four other aspects of retirement play a greater role than finances:
Thomas Jefferson’s home, Monticello
Mental – Our brain cells need to be exercised just as much in retirement as our muscles. According to my sources, the happiest retirees are those who fill their lives with learning, growing, and trying new things—whether those things are intellectual, physical, or just plain fun. For me, retirement gave me the opportunity to indulge my passion for history by exploring historical sites, watching documentaries, and reading classic books on U.S history. What are things you are curious about that you haven’t had an opportunity to explore to this point? (If you’re a fellow nerd interested in continuing classroom instruction, check out the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, which funds a consortium of universities to provide free or reduced-cost classes to people over the age of 50.)
Social – As mentioned earlier, loneliness is a key factor in the decline of our mental and physical health. Leaving behind the social networks represented by our workplaces immediately cuts our social interactions significantly. Some of us crave solitude and “me time” more than others—and this is just as true in retirement—but everyone needs regular interaction with other human beings. For me, retirement has given me the opportunity to reconnect with old friends, meet new people with shared interests, and be more fully present during my interactions with others without glancing at my phone to see what client emergencies might have occurred since I sat down. Where could you go to fill your social tank if you weren’t chained to your “to do” list and billable hours requirements?
Tired Mike and less-tired daughter Sam after 2024 Indy Mini Marathon
Physical — While retirement can be a sweet reward for many years of service, it unfortunately can be accompanied by the booby prize of declining health. The biggest challenge to retirement savings often arises from health problems faced by our aging bodies, some of which are preventable. As someone who craves a challenge, I was inspired to run my first half-marathon following my retirement with my daughter Sam in May, which required months of regular training (and countless Google searches on “how to keep your knees from disintegrating when you take up running at 58.”) What steps can you take to ensure you are engaged in regular exercise that will keep you heart-healthy, maintain muscle mass, and potentially put you in regular contact with others?
Spiritual – My Christian faith is a critical part of my identity, and retirement has given me more time to focus on it, including by being involved in men’s groups, non-profit boards, and serving others. Whether you share my belief system or not, the science is clear that focusing on things with a higher purpose that give you the opportunity to serve others is good for both the giver and the receiver. Where and whom would you like to serve now that your schedule is more forgiving?
5. You have something the world needs. Perhaps the most important lesson I learned from the books mentioned earlier is that the world is in desperate need of certain valuable characteristics possessed by retirees. Arthur C. Brooks makes the fabulous point in From Strength to Strength that whereas the first half of our lives features innovative and creative thinking (which he refers to as “fluid intelligence”), the second half offers something just as important: the wisdom that comes from lived experience, which he refers to as “crystalized intelligence.” Where can you contribute YOUR Crystalized Intelligence during retirement, which might come from your professional training, your passions, or lessons learned from the personal challenges you have lived through.
6. Think differently about your legacy. This final lesson is aimed at my fellow lawyers, particularly those from the Baby Boom generation, who are twice as likely to work past the age of 65 as all other U.S. workers (14% compared to (7%) according to the American Bar Association’s 2023 Profile of the Legal Profession. Some of this reluctance to get off the stage might be because lawyers are wired to believe their self-worth comes from outworking others, and some of it might come from a desire to protect their legacy. I can relate to both those concerns, but it became clear to me in the months before retirement that the best thing I could do to protect my legacy was by working as hard as I could to put others in the next generations of lawyers in my firm in a position to succeed and then get out of their way. Perhaps the lyrics from the classic country song How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away put it best:
Your never-ending presence really cramps my style
I dream that it won't always be the same
At first I was attracted but after a while
Have you ever heard of the hard-to-get game?
How can I miss you when you won't go away?
I keep telling you day after day
But you won't listen, you always stay and stay
How can I miss you when you won't go away?
And I mean it, too
How Can YOU Shift From “HAVE To” to “GET To?”
Then-General Eisenhower is quoted as saying, “Plans are worthless, but planning is essential.” The wisdom of this observation applies equally well to retirement, which is one of the reasons why I believe retirement coaching can be so valuable.
What I’ve learned from my pre-retirement discovery is that the happiest retirees are those who are intentional and thoughtful about how they plot the course of their retirement, rather than drifting along aimlessly. There is nothing wrong with drifting for a period of time if the purpose behind it is to unwind, decompress, or rejuvenate, but sooner or later you will need to make a decision about where you want to go, how you want to get there, and who you want to accompany you along the way. As a different quote attributed to Lewis Carroll says, “if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.”
If you’d like a guide who can help you plan out your own shift from “have to” to “get to” as you approach retirement, contact me at mike.tooley@upstreamprinciples.com.
Mike Tooley is the Founder of Upstream Principles LLC, a coaching and consulting firm dedicated to helping individuals, leaders, and teams go upstream to discover solutions for their leadership and employee development challenges. As a certified Leadership, Strengths and Retirement Coach, Mike is committed to help others discover and live out who they are designed to be.